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post 49 on Thursday 10th January 2008 at 19:24

The South Bank Glossary pt1

This place actually existsGutterance
The mumbled yet scathing articulations of a drunkard South Bankian returning home from Fat Katz night-spot.

Doorstep Challenged
Subhuman species that flock into the foulest of streets to engage in some bizarre social ritual of littering the place up. Usually involves SCOOOOTER!

Land of the Undead
The square in South Bank, where old gits stagger out of Greys with the evening's entertainment/company wrapped loosely in a carrier bag under their arm; soon to be joined by numerable lifeless creatures in the form of the "dawn chorus": urban choristers who instigate the weekly braying down of taxis which drive along Normanby road, and the subsequent outbreaks of violence.

Skip Rat
A gentleman, who makes a living from salvaging "unwanted" items from refuse and waste receptacles, namely skips. Can also be found scavenging public bins when times are lean. The most infamous of South Bank skip rats is known as Bob, who can be sighted regularly around the town being followed by his pet mongrel.

Not Inhabited
Delivery men never knock since the windows got boarded up.

Power Rangers
Want-wit and impoverished neighbours who, after determining they cannot afford the luxury of electricity, attempt to wire their pre-paid meter through yours, thereby stealing the credit on your electricity supply meter. To rub salt into the wounds, the Power Rangers use your power to fuel SCOOOOTER!

Dawn Chorus
At the 4th hour of the morning, the Dawn Choristers begin their pilgrimage to Land of the Undead.

tags: [ class divide ] [ crime ] [ culture ] [ glossary ] [ rants ] [ south bank ]
post 50 on Sunday 20th January 2008 at 13:17

I Can Has Cheeseburger? If You Can Stomach It

In a strange juxtapose to the content of one of my usual posts, I thought I'd appease the meat eaters by highlighting just how amazing I think the World's Biggest Cheeseburger really is. It's great, look at it!

Grown from real cows, this feat of mass production (mass in the sense of bulk, you understand) was created by Bob's BBQ & Grill of Pattaya, Thailand.

Behold its glory, and the gluttonous "omfg I'm about to eat more than a person ever ate before" look on the face of the (assumed) American man in the red shirt.


Do you think he knew his picture was being taken? The man below needed a crash helmet and 7 hours to eat this mammoth.


All this and more on

tags: [ cheeseburger ] [ culture ] [ not vegetarian ]
post 51 on Saturday 26th January 2008 at 09:00

South Bank – Au Revoir!

Scarily like South BankTo those who don't know, I bought and moved into my house: 13 Oak Street, South Bank, Middlesbrough, in July 2004.

During that memorable summer, I can recall jubilantly sitting with my back against the bedroom wall (there was a time when you could sit on the floor, before water started seeping up), listening to next door's wind-chimes, and feeling very peaceful, exited, and also very grown up – for this was my first house! Oh the expectations, dreams, and plans I had for this place when I first moved here!

Since that time I have experienced full on disasters of Biblical proportion – lightening from the sky, famine, plague, flood, and pestilence.

A selection of such include:

Rats. Rats in the house. Rats outside of the house. Rats in the alley. Just rats!!

Mice in the toaster. Really. In the time it took me to pop a crumpet in the toaster, a crafty mouse had crept into my beautiful (£35) Morphy Richards four-slice, and was still nibbling away whilst I plunged down the handle, at the same time wondering why there was an unusual resistance in the plunge, and subsequently pondering the whiff of burning hair mingled with the smell of crumpet. Curiously, the mouse survived; although the toaster was relegated to the shelf.

Slugs. Many a morning I come downstairs to find a silver trail leading from the front door to wherever it is my invertebrate friends drag themselves to during the night. Also, in a strange yet amusing travesty, are sometimes seen feasting on the odd stray salted peanut in the kitchen. Amusingly, this only happens between the hours of 2:00am to 6:00am.

Flies. And bluebottles.

Draining Power. Dim-witted next-door neighbours - the "Power Rangers" - who wired their meter through our meter.

Cutting power. Resulting in our power being cut on Boxing Day.

The kitchen flooding. Came back from holiday to find the rats had chewed through the washing machine pipes resulting in a half a meter flood of the kitchen.

Lack of central heating. How anyone lives in a house like mine I'll never know.

Rising damp. A botanists dream, my house is probably home to innumerable species of fungi and mushroom.

Things got a little better when my brother moved in. Even though he now, too, was required to live with afore mentioned difficulties, at least I had somebody to share life's problems with; and, I'd like to verify at this stage, that Nick's a tough wee soul, and like the true Capricorn mountain goat, is hardy and not adverse to tough conditions.

Not to mention the crimes:
Breaking windows in the car three times
Smashing my front windows twice
Cutting my phone lines

And inconveniences:
Four Police men storming my house to gain access to the back alley

So you could hardly blame me for being very pleased that we'll be out of here in six weeks.

Watch out Guisborough! The South Bank intelligentsia are coming your way.

tags: [ 13 oak street ] [ crime ] [ domestics ] [ guisborough ] [ south bank ]
post 52 on Wednesday 6th February 2008 at 15:32

I Can Has Cheeseburger? If Has Tin Opener?

Just like that!The wonders of modern food production: tinned (that's right) tinned burgers from our friends in Germany. Just pop the unopened tin into a pan of boiling water, crack it open, add a salad garnish, and wonder at the instant soul food you just prepared in under ten minutes.

tags: [ cheeseburger ] [ not vegetarian ] [ products ]
post 53 on Thursday 7th February 2008 at 22:05

Fire the Graphic Designer!

Stupid, just stupidI pity the company that hired this piss poor signage creator. Does the pitiful excuse for a logo in the circled bit look at all familiar? It may well do - because it's the default logo that Microsoft Office used to provide in their standard templates within Word, Publisher, etc.

Not only does this attempt at a logo feature the formless pyramid graphic, it also still has the default word "Organisation" written beneath. Worse, they changed the font as if to make a further mockery of uniqueness.

Poor old Prodrive. As you can see, their main logo is a bit Publisher as well. They really should reconsider their choice of graphic designer. I'm really embarrassed for Prodrive. Their graphic designer is either a total newb or clearly saw them coming. With a logo that shit, happenchance they'll be the only people who'll see them coming.

tags: [ advertising ] [ boro ]
post 54 on Monday 18th February 2008 at 21:36

Can't Write, Bent Speak For Me

tags: [ electronic music ] [ videos ]
post 55 on Wednesday 16th April 2008 at 17:12

Demolition Is Nigh

I've really don't have the time to write, and evidently there's been little in the way of posts for quite some time, but I am taking a break from this temporary hiatus from real life as we know it, in order to post the latest and greatest Oak Street news – which is the arrival of the demolition men in Redcar Road, which runs parallel to Oak Street.

Good job we've got a date for moving out then - the 24th! And after the house sale at Guisborough fell through, we'd been searching frantically for a new place to live, and we've found it - in lovely Norton! A stones throw from work, sunny, duck pond-esque, and a million miles away from South Bank, metaphorically speaking!

Here's to new beginnings. I hope they turn South Bank into something nicer. Like a gypsy encampment. Or a parking lot. Only kidding. Here’s to South Bank! You've brought me many a wrinkle, and I dare say a grey hair or two, but there's nowhere like you on earth – rest in peace!

tags: [ 13 oak street ] [ norton ] [ south bank ]
post 56 on Thursday 17th July 2008 at 17:37

I'm Giving Up Smoking And I Want a Medal!

Smoking: the curse of the thrill seeker, the boredom sufferer, and the incurable addict.

No longer socially acceptable. No longer part of my plan for a healthy and fufilled lifestyle. So I've been to the doctors and have been granted six weeks worth of extra-strength nicotine patches. So sure am I that I will give up smoking, that I have even started a quitting smoking blog to help me through the rough times.

I'm giving up on Saturday. Smoking, it's been fun but you're just too disgusting and health-threatening. I'm waving goodbye!

tags: [ tobac ]